verb. Roughly force (something) into place

Discomfort dives deeply 

Truth transcends into the air 

Raw exposure, shakes grow

Breath quicker as fear pillages my mind

Craving numbness, must lean in. 

Our lips touch

Overflow occupies all stimuli

Grasping for diction

Nothing captures

Lost for words

First time everrr.

I’m okay

Control no place here

Alive, confused, giddy

Smirking gets precarious. 

Reviewing the Ram 

Fourth of July. Our first time hanging out. I could never have imagined what the next few months would bring. We grab our Sweetgreen; I offer to pay, maybe to assert my dominance, maybe because I’m trying to be nice. Waltzing to Washington Square Park, we find a bench. And in the southwest corner, seated, it all began.

Time got lost as I looked into your eyes and we connected over our high school unrequited loves. You got me, I got you. I told myself you were off-limits, but when’s the last time my heart listened to limits? You were still in your first 90 days off crystal meth and out of a long relationship, and you weren’t ready for my depth.

On my last night of 23, I took myself to Mole on Jane Street to celebrate. Afterwards, walking down 14th Street, I decided to pop into Dairy Queen for a quick detour from loneliness. The peanut buster parfait worked for a few minutes, until I emerged back into bustling Union Square, a bit nauseous, mostly from the loads of sugar piled on top of the fajitas, but also from the pain of being alone.

My goal: descend the stairs to the L train. I look up and see the Regal. A movie? A two-hour distraction from myself? Why the fuck not? I’ve got no place to be, and I have enough money for a ticket. What’s playing? I see the poster for Midsommar, quickly Google it, and after fifteen seconds, decide it looks like a family relationship drama. Well, if this wasn’t a precursor for what was to come, I don’t know what could’ve been more obvious.

Midsommar is far from a family relationship drama. It’s a horror film in a cult-like setting where human sacrifice prevails. The director contrasts all the horror with bright lights and many shades of white.

I always go to the movies alone. It’s my happy place. It takes me away from my reality and into another world. For a brief moment, I forget who I am and what’s going on.

This movie made me uncomfortable. But the thing about discomfort is, you can channel it into something you can control, whether that be hunger, self-inflicted pain, or in this case, a psychologically terrifying film.

As the credits begin to roll, I head to the bathroom because, let’s face it, a teacup poodle has a bigger bladder than I do. As I’m walking out of the bathroom, I lift my head just enough to see you walking in. But I don’t stop to say hi because I’m so caught off guard. Making my way down the escalator, I text you: “Was that you?”

You reply, and I wait outside the theater to give you a hug. The day after our hangout in the park, I randomly run into you, and you’re at the movies alone too. I always joke with my friends that I’ll meet my husband when we both go to the movies alone. For a second, I don’t feel so alone. The universe is looking out for me, reminding me I’m never quite as isolated as I make myself out to be in my overthinking cranium. Were you to be my husband? 

We chitchat for a bit; you seem to want to hang out, but I’m quick to get home because I don’t want to catch feelings for you. Out of sheer kindness, I invite you to my birthday brunch. Not kindness, what am I talking about? I wanted to be naked with you, tongues intertwined. I don’t know what I was thinking inviting you to my brunch.

The next few weeks are a blur because it seemed like we spent concentrated amounts of time together. But the one moment I remember clear as day, was sitting on that couch somewhere deep in queens at my friends apartment, I reached for your vape and you grabbed my hand. 

“I’m trying to get your vape, silly.”

“Oh, I thought you were trying to hold my hand.”

In that moment, I didn’t process it, but that was the first sign you were into me. Or into the idea of someone to act as a placeholder. Recently out of a 3 (or was it 4?) year relationship. Newly detoxed off crystal meth. What the hell was I thinking?

You were cute. You were tall. You had nice hair. You let me talk about my emotions. You were there. I wasn’t thinking. I just didn’t want to be alone, and neither did you.

I quickly shrugged off the idea that you tried to hold my hand, but I liked playing with fire, so I kept feeding you frozen grapes, one after the other. The act of feeding another human is so intimate to me; it makes me feel connected. A mother bird chews up the food and spits it in her babies’ mouths. Dependency.

We get in the Uber back to my place. Did you sleep on the couch that night or in the bed with me?

Many nights we slept in the bed together, curled up with each other, not even kissing. Fully clothed. But I could feel that you wanted me just as much as I wanted you.

We were cuddled on the couch of that awfully dated living room in the West Village when I felt your boner, and you apologized and said sometimes that just happens. I knew then that you wanted me, just like I knew the night you tried to hold my hand. But I fought it off. I didn’t want it. You weren’t available. Well, you were available, but not to the capacity I needed.

You used to hold my wrist when we laid next to each other. No other guy ever did that. It made me feel safe, it made me feel secure, it made me relax a little. My mind would shut down sometimes when I was with you, and that’s all I’ve ever searched for. Still, to this day, when a panic attack is looming, my right hand reaches and tightly embraces my left wrist to protect myself. I wish it was your hand and not my own, but I’ve learned to be single.

You told me you weren’t as nice of a guy as I thought you were. You told me you weren’t looking for what I was looking for. And although you are the Aries, I rammed my way into whatever clusterfuck was “us.”

I remember constantly being in this place of having one foot in the door and one foot outside. Part of me wanted to get all-consuming with you, lose track of all my life, all my friends, all of everything, and only breathe you. But the other part of me knew that was the quickest way to death. Not physical, heart-stopping, cold skin, eulogy death. But the death of my independence and my heart.

We talked about it. You were honest with me. You never misled me. I let myself believe that you misled me, but you never did. You were always upfront with your stance.

There was a moment, by your bedroom window facing Washington St., where we were getting ready for bed, and I asked you to lay on top of me. I always feel safe when someone lays on top of me. And you did, for a brief moment. The whole world shut down when you laid there, staring at me. I could feel our hearts connecting, our breaths merging into one. You pulled away because you knew you couldn’t last much longer without kissing me. And both of us knew the danger that would take us into.

I don’t know how much time passed during our emotional entanglement, because it was one of the strongest drugs I’d ever encountered. I wanted it all the time, like a vampire wants blood. I couldn’t get enough; it was all I could think about. And we hadn’t even kissed. But part of me kept a certain distance because the dependency was trickling in, and it was quicksand.

Then came the night in my basement in Bushwick, when we lay next to each other. Our faces nearly touching, in a dark, cold room, hidden from the world. No windows, pounding AC, colder than a hospital, just like I like it. Our energies were ready to combine, and there could be no more resisting it. Neither one of us could hold back any longer. Our noses nearly touched, and our lips were looming for one another. I got close enough to make you not doubt for a single second what I wanted. Were you the one who made the final move? Was I? This second before it started was a blur, because what happened when your lips touched mine...Something flashed through my whole system, and after a few intense seconds, I pulled away.

“Did you feel that?” I asked.

You did, and I did. And it’s not only in movies. That second our lips merged into one, enough power to take down Zeus, was the moment my lifetime fantasy became a reality. I had imprinted on you, because I didn’t know that intensity existed beyond the pages of a love poem written long before my time.

Our kissing deepened, tongues exchanging saliva, and we were tasting each other. We had waited long enough. Clothes came off, and God, what the fuck was I doing? You had just come out of a long-term relationship with meth and a boyfriend, and I was hopelessly craving something to take the place of the Wellbutrin I had just stopped, hoping it would reduce my weekly panic attacks. My God, you were so beautiful! People fly to Turkey to get your hair. But you had it, naturally…

The chemicals that went through my body that night have yet to make a reappearance. Was it the fact that we both knew what we were doing was “wrong”? Was it because we held off for so long? Or was it the fact that you were the first person I let into my heart and my head, and shared intimacy with?

You mentioned that you weren’t going to cum but wanted me to cum. I tried to let you bring me to climax, but the thing about me is that every time I orgasmed in front of another guy, I never saw him again. Years of one-night stands had left me terrified, unable to finish in your presence. Despite your attempts, my cum never came because my mind didn’t want you to abandon me.

“Thank you, but it’s not going to work. If I cum, my brain tells me I’ll never see you again. And I want to see you again.”

I’m not sure what all was said that night, but I know you reassured me that you wouldn’t be the last person I’d experience this with. When you said that, I knew you weren’t there to stay. Yes, I did see you after that night, but we drifted away. It was so intense that we were scared, and we knew what we had to do.

But we still kept in contact and still hung out. However, our lips never touched again in that same way. The drug was tasted only once, but forever craved, just like the first roll on MDMA on a lit-up dance floor. It never would have felt quite the same.

It was a special day for you, so I made a reservation at a hidden restaurant, put on my Louboutins, and took you to dinner. It was uncomfortable, and the night felt awkward. I tried to feed you a piece of dessert, and you balked. Apparently, I reminded you of your ex-boyfriend which you did’t hesitate to tell me. After that night, things weren’t quite the same, but I still had hope.

The hope was there until I saw you walking down Houston next to who I know now to be your boyfriend. You spent a weekend with him and his family up in Massachusetts, and that’s when the baton was passed to him. He became your co-dependent, and I was left breathless, craving something that was never mine to begin with.

I was sitting in that little park in the West Village, stressed between my new job at SoulCycle and my photo editing gig with Getty during fashion week. You were a 5-minute walk away, in Washington Square Park, where we first connected on a deep level. You didn’t want to see me, and I knew it was over. But I held onto an ounce of hope. But what do they say about hope? It breeds eternal misery.

The next few weeks or months went by in a blur, and I had no idea what was about to hit the day I was walking down 19th street on my way to a SoulCycle class. My friend mentioned his friend had a new boyfriend. And that new boyfriend was you. I started to lose my breath, but I was about to embark on a 45-minute spiritual journey with the Tarzan of instructors. I don’t know what happened on the bike in that dark studio that day, but afterward, I remember it like it was yesterday.

I was on autopilot from the minute I heard my friend tell me you were taken, until I got into the shower. Out of breath and sweating from class, I collapsed on the floor of the shower. And I lost my breath. The pain took over, and I began to shake, then tears ran down my face, concealed by the water pressure of the Union Square SoulCycle shower. Not only were you not mine, but you were someone else’s. What I thought could be my new fairytale love was over.

It took me months to gain clarity. Months passed, all a blur of under-eating and over-exercising to try and numb out the feeling that I wasn’t enough for you. I didn’t want to feel the pain, so I listened to my stomach growl. I told myself that if I wasn’t as fat, you would have chosen me. I didn’t want to miss you, so I’d swallow ibuprofen and hop on the SoulCycle bike to numb myself.

And then there was the fall night, in Midtown, when I had to face the truth. I got dressed up in a suit, put on my hand-painted Venetian mask made in Italy, and prepared for an evening of dancing and laughter. When I got to the venue, not only were you and your boyfriend seated at my table, you were the only ones there. At a gala with over a hundred tables, how could you two be at my fucking table?

Once I laid eyes on you two, I ran to the bathroom. Do I leave now, or do I waltz in and get through the evening unscathed? After a round of pep talks in the mirror and a prayer spoken softly while kneeled next to a toilet, I straightened my jacket and tie and headed to sit next to you and your new boyfriend. The chatter was difficult, but I somehow made it through. I had friends galore checking on me, coming to sit by me, and holding my hand through it.

But then there was the dance floor. Dancing has always been my escape. But when I looked over and saw you two dancing, it hit me once again like a pound of bricks: that you were not mine, you were never going to be mine, and I had let myself get lost in the idea of you. So, I walked in my Loubs, from Times Square to the West Village 4th St M stop, crying and listening to music. The tears never did stop until I boarded the train and sat down in my pain. A tap on my shoulder, and my bestie and his boyfriend were on the same MTA car. Habibi saved my heart that night from breaking, and so did his boyfriend.

The “relationship” in entries 

7/6/19 12:30am

I don’t know what seeing him means but it’s comforting to know I’m not alone. 

7/10 11am

I have so many mixed feelings but I’m trying my best not to overthink and just go with what feels right in my gut. There was a point he was laying on me and we looked at each other, and he got off and said I’my sorry that’s just too much for me right now. I feel that too. My connection with him is hard for me to wrap my mind around.

When it comes to him, don’t be scared of intimacy. There’s a reason you ran into him at the movies. Don’t think about sex or love, just concentrate on getting to know him as friend and helping him with his sobriety.

I must tread lightly because he must learn to stand on his own, not me help him stand. 

7/12

My desire to kiss him is growing but I know I need to take this slow. 

7/15

I’m content with how things are panning out with him. It’s so nice to have companionship without a sexual component. My feelings with him are mixed but I really do enjoy spending time with him. After spending 3 nights in a row with him, I think I should stay by myself. I’ve been surprised with how good I’ve been with not overthinking this or trying to figure it out. I’m just letting it be what it is. 

7/16

I can’t be scared of my feelings for him. I can’t future trip and worry about where it will lead.

Spending time with him brings me joy, and it’s okay to let myself enjoy that. I don’t have to know what is is or overthink it. I can just let it be what is is. Someone told me when it’s right, it’s supposed to be easy - the path of least resistance. 

7/17

So, he and I kissed last night and right when it happened I felt something through my body. I’m trying to not overthink it and keep reminding myself this is something to navigate one day at time and let God guide me through. I have such a range of feelings and I’m trying to just let myself be okay with not being able to explain them. 

Just the things he said last night and how he treated me - I wanted to cry because he was so sweet and so kind. 

7/19

My Feelings for him scare me but it just kind of happened so I can’t worry about that. I don’t want to spend much time figuring it out. 

7/19 5pm

My mentor reminded me of all the things on my plate and I can’t let the thing with the boy consume me. I can tune it back some. The old way of taking a nantucket slay ride is over. 

I just can’t fucking stop thinking about him - what is this about? I know this space is good for us and it’s only a few days. It’s good to step back and gain perspective. I have to keep rechecking in with myself. Instead of obsessing about him, let’s look at what this is bringing up reading my old narratives of homophobia and beating myself up for being gay. 

7/20

All my thoughts recently feel like they’ve been about him. I’m trying to enjoy it and not be mad about myself for being consumed. I’m young, 23, and it’s okay to have feelings like this. I do always wonder if he has the same intense feelings fro me. I don’t know but I do know I do have to take this slowly. 

7/21

Last night with him was hard. I asked if I could kiss him and he said mmhmm, but he has to take this really slow because he just got out of a relationship and it’s really easy to get comfortable with someone else. I totally get it. He has to take this time to focus on himself. I now know I can have that magical feeling when I kiss someone. I can enjoy someone who also enjoys me. 

Just because we clicked doesn’t mean he’s the one. He can just be a stepping stone for me in learning how to love myself and be open to love. I know what I want and what I deserve and I can’t settle for emotionally unavailable because my fear of being alone tells me no one else will come. This is not true. I have so much to offer it doesn’t make mathematical sense. Just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I don’t deserve this. 

Why don’t I want to eat? I feel so out of control of externals. Now that I’m gaining perspective of the situation, I am seeing things differently. 

7/21 3:25pm

I’m still processing all my emotions last night and I forgot to think about how it felt as he held me - and my heart beating faster after we briefly kissed. I don’t have to shut this off. I can just back off slightly and not let it run what’s in my mind.

7/22

My feelings for him are starting to settle and I think it’s okay to let it be slow and see what progresses from it. I don’t have to figure it and I don’t just have to shut it off. 

7/23

He’s a friend and I have to let the other feelings go for now. It has nothing to do with me, he’s just not ready and has a lot of work to do on himself. I just have to be careful who I get vulnerable with and be more cautious. 

7/25 2am

Being open and vulnerable with someone you care about is so hard! I don’t find it easy at all to share how I feel and it fucking terrifies me. I don’t really know how to process what’s going on but I’m glad I said I had to sleep on the couch. 

When he kissed me last week I felt something I didn’t know was possible. I wanna feel that again but he says it complicates things too much and puts him in a precarious situation. In my heart, I feel like he can provide me with what I want, but my head tells me he can’t. I don’t know how to logistically make sense of this. Maybe I don’t need to. 

I feel my body physically reacting when I get vulnerable with him when I speak and it terrifies the living shit out of me. I don’t know how to grapple with what I’m feeling and it’s frustrating me. 

7/25 3pm

I don’t understand how someone can get to know me and want to kiss me. 

7/26

I can’t stop thinking about what my friend said about him: he kind of just landed on me out of convenience. I really have to keep leaning into the discomfort of hopelessness and trust all will be okay. 

7/27

I had brunch with him and I have to let that go. It’s hurting me and I don’t want to deal with that right now. 

7/29 12:30am

I went to his apartment for a few hours but decided to leave and go home. I have no business spending the night with him. I do enjoy looking at him and I like his energy but I know he’s not able to give me what I want so I hav to keep it friendship status. 

7/31

I was hoping to get some alone time with him to chat and cuddle before his flight, but we weren’t alone. Everything happens for a reason. 

8/3

I don’t want to get out of bed at all today. It just felt like a battle I won’t win. 

8/4

So masterbating was hard because I wanted emotion involved. Damn, my head is getting to be a really tricky place. I also have to refrain from unloading stuff onto him. He can’t handle it. 

8/5

I’m such a nerd. So I can take things slowly with him and just show up as a friend for right now. I’m using one of the little notebooks he bought me to write him little notes whenever I think about him, which is a lot. 

8/7

So apparently my ADD is getting in the way with him. Because I can’t have him right now, I get antsy and want to jump to something new. Reality is things with him may or may not work but they take time! 

I definitely miss him and I’m ready for him to get back, although I have to be patient and let our friendship evolve naturally. Being alone is really hard. 

8/11 1:56am

I just saw a shooting star. I wished for things with him and I to workout and also to not feel lost anymore. 

8/12

So I got that feeling again when I FaceTimed him, and he makes me feel a certain type of way that excites me but also scares me. The physical attraction is getting stronger which is wild to me. Just because I’m scared of being hurt doesn’t mean I should hold myself back from someone I enjoy. I have to navigate this slowly. 

8/18

I just wish I didn’t yearn for him as much. When I woke up at 5am and he wasn’t in bed, I felt really unsettled and abandoned. That’s not about him, that’s about me and I want to work on that. I haven’t dated anyone yet because I haven’t been ready, not because there’s something wrong with me. 

8/20 5:44am 

Wow that conversation with him before I went to bed was really tough. I didn’t cry though. Almost did. Being honest about how I feel is tough. It’s hard to process because I know how much he does care about me, he just doesn’t want to lose me as a friend. He’s scared that he could sabotage it if anything got serious. Reality is, he’s not ready for a relationship. I don’t know how to handle this or where to go from here. 

I’m just so frustrated and sad because I finally feel this way about someone but he’s not ready. 

I wonder if my heart could handle hooking up with him and just being friends? I don’t think I could but I wish I could. I don’t even know how to feel or what to process. 

8/21

I’m at peace with the situation with him. I’m able to show up and being honest about how I feel and him not run away. Yesterday, he came all the way to Bushwick to play cards for an hour, despite having to go back home just a tad later. He clearly does value our relationship. He even said it. How beautiful that someone cares so much about our friendship that he fears doing anything to jeopardize it. 

I have to address my body issues that are arriving and talk to someone about it. I can’t compare myself to others and think I need to not eat. 

8/23

I have to stop spending so much time thinking about him. It’s not healthy. I don’t know why I do it but like I do because I don’t like the idea of being alone. 

8/24 8:03am

I’ve decided to name my body dysmorphia Clarence. If I can personify it, I feel like it’ll be easier to manage. Clarence does not have my best interests at heart. I want to be healthy and Clarence doesn’t understand that. He has visions of me being objectified for my body. He wants me to not have any fat and doesn’t care how I get there. He tries to tell me the reason I’m not with a boy is because of my physical appearance. Clarence doesn’t seek a healthy relationship, he seeks false intimacy. 

8/25

“It doesn’t get better but you do.” 

Checking his Grindr is not good for me. Because he didn’t respond to my text or call but I see he’s online. Like this has nothing to do with me, but yet I let it affect me. I’m going to let myself wait on him to come to me. 

8/26 

I’m reflecting back on the circumstances with him to see what I can learn to prevent this from happening with future interactions. I want to just cut ties completely. It’s too difficult to show up as a friend and I’m super uncomfortable in my feelings and I’m not sure what this is so I want to press eject. 

I’m attractive and quite datable; him not wanting me has NOTHING to do with me. I have to cease this beating myself up situation. I need to listen to him when he says he values me as a friend, he doesn’t see me as more right now. He was upfront and honest. Why don’t I listen to that? 

I need to also remember I’m recently off Wellbutrin so I’m completely clean of pharmaceuticals for the first time in adulthood. 

“When people show you who they are, believe them the first time. When they tell you, really believe them.” - a friend 

8/27  5:57am 

I finally got home from the VMAs around 2am. I made it through yesterday. About 2 hours into the red carpet influx, I started to think about the fact that I haven’t heard from him and wondering what it is I did. 

I don’t have to claw because I’m scared I won’t feel anything like that again. I will. 

8/29

I wonder why he hasn’t really reached out much or asked if I wanted to hang. I tried 2 different times last weekend and he wasn’t really about it so I’m not trying anymore and I have to stick to that.

8/30

When I got off the phone with him, I just ran to the shower so I could feel safe to breakdown. I lost control of my breath and then hit my head a few times with my hands so I could help it get out. 

I just really look in the mirror sometimes and think I’m a Walrus. I move parts of my body and think how disgusting the fat deposits are. I’m so mean to myself and the voices get so loud. I would never do this to someone else. There’s a voice that says I’m single because of all my fat. I need to start sharing with others so I can make sure I’m eating enough. 

9/3

I’ve got this narrative he’s got a thing with someone new and I’m worthless. I have to recognize these voices as unreliable and they aren’t right. If me and him don’t amount to anything, there’s nothing wrong with me. 

9/4 1:55pm

Clarence really started getting loud in my head, especially when I looked down in the shower. Remember, that my body issues are merely a manifestation of other emotions, related to boys. It’s out of my control that he isn’t reaching out to me. Therefore, I feel unloved and it’s projecting to what I can control, which is my body. 

9/5 16:51

So I texted him to ask what he was doing. He’s in Washington Square Park chilling. I asked if he wanted to pop over to this small park I’m in to hang and he said, “I just ate and I’m gonna chill here.” 

The feeling hit my gut. I got the sign I finally needed. He wants space and I have to respect that. 

I feel rejected and I feel like there’s something wrong with me but I know that’s not true. I wanna go replay all our interactions and see what I missed but I know that’s not productive use of my time. 

I think we got too close too fast and that scared him. Part of me feels like a predator that preyed on someone emotionally vulnerable. I’m not getting what I want and it’s making me upset. 

9/8 11:17am

I can hold onto the positive memories of what we had, but recognize they have there place in the past. I recognize he can’t provide me with what I need so distance is good for me. Also SO WILD, the moment I’m not thinking about him is the moment he texts me. But I left him on read and deleted the message. 

9/11 1:01pm

I really miss him and I don’t want to. I have to let it go. I have to let the sleeping dog rest and not poke it. He can’t even meet my needs. I’m just attached to the idea of the intimacy I had with him. 

9/12

List of things I want in a guy: 

• good hair & mesmerizing eyes 

• Intuitive 

• Empathetic 

• Makes me feel safe

• Organized

• Spiritual (preferably jewish) 

• Ambitious 

• Tennis player/active 

• Creative 

• Intellectually stimulating

• Reader

• Honest

• Openly speaks about his feelings

• Loyal 

• Good family values

• Wants children

• Present 

9/12  23:46

I wanna cry but I don’t know if I have the energy. 

9/13 6am

Walking to the train, I tried to process why it is him and I don’t really talk anymore. I just don’t want to be alone. I’m feeling so many emotions and it’s probably because I’m tired and hungry. I just wish I could feel better about my body sometimes. Part of me feels that maybe if I was skinnier or less intense, him and I would still be together but I know this is untrue. 

9/15 10:02

Was all that we had real or in my head?

———

Reviewing 

When I first examined my connection with him, I sifted through the tangled mess of my heart and mind, searching for clarity. Then, I revisited old journal entries, time capsules of my thoughts in real-time. And yet, the stories feel distorted, as if my memory and my written reality were living in two separate worlds. The disconnect unsettles me. If my recollections are so misaligned with the truth I once recorded, how much further am I from reality than I ever feared?

But then again, what is reality? It’s not some fixed, objective truth; it’s a construct, an illusion that our minds sculpt and redefine. If my mind is the architect, does the truth even matter?

I hesitate to call this an actual relationship because, in the strictest sense, it wasn’t. There was no exclusivity, no clarity, only a conversation about what we were not. And yet, in my head, in my heart, it was something more, something else entirely. But as I review it now, with sharpened hindsight, it’s obvious: he never painted it as more than friendship.

Still, I wonder, when he wrapped his fingers around my wrist, grounding me in those moments, making me feel safe, did he not realize the electricity of his touch? Did he not know how open, how vulnerable I was? And the real question, Golden: why the fuck did you let him in like that?