Energy exclaiming ecstasy

Intimidation and wonder flourish 

Confusion persists as intoxication penetrates 

Step aside and barricade 

Scents of independence erode the air

Internal demons bubble to the surface 

Warm, safe, protected

Transfixed with empathy

Breath slows and acceptance flows

Hold up, pause, wait 

Lost in a sea, staring at you

Euphoria takes over entire bloodstream

All I want

Is you  

——————————————————

Dois Peixes Nadando

You brew espresso as my pen hits the page. I’m lost in thought; your presence brings me safety. I can lose myself writing—I always do. I feel you staring. I stay in thought as long as I can, but eventually, I lose my train of thought and look up. You’re looking right at me—staring into my soul. You say something like, “The smell of coffee, the sound of your pen on the page—I could get used to this.” My heart melts, and I wonder how God created an angel like you.

I recall meeting you for the first time as if it were yesterday. How could someone have a heart of gold?

I arrived on a surprise red-eye from Los Angeles. You greeted me early in the morning, escorted me to a room where I could nap, and gave me a hug I’ll never forget. The way you embraced me—I would come to realize later—meant more to me than I knew. Your smile, your facial hair, your glasses… The first encounter with you left an impression on me. My gut told me you were truly a good person, something so rare to find.

I didn’t see you for weeks after that. I was stuck in L.A., looking after a mansion I had no desire to be in. I couldn’t wait to get back to my city. A friend warned me, “Be careful with him.” I’ve heard that voice every day since.

Fast forward a month, and I finally moved to NYC. I got off another red-eye and arrived at M’s house, and there you were—with my car keys, my apartment keys, and another mesmerizing hug. I wondered, Who is this mysterious man? I had spent weeks fantasizing about you in L.A., and then there you were in the flesh. I smelled you, and I felt at home.

My re-beginning in NYC was a blur. But through all the distortion, you were there—guiding me, always around to lean on when my emotions got the best of me. When the stress of work was too much, you made me laugh. I was excited to get out of bed and go to work because I’d see you.

I reflect, trying to pinpoint the moment I first realized I could spend my life with you. The wild thing is, I can’t pick a single moment. My initial attraction to you was your scent and how sexy you appeared to me. I hoped it would fade so I could focus on a professional relationship, but it never did. My physical attraction shifted into something deeper. I grew connected to your soul, drawn to your personality, and captivated by your smile. The warmth I feel in my chest when you struggle to express yourself in English… I poke and prod at you, teasing, but only because I find you so adorable. As I get to know your soul, I become more and more transfixed.

The last few months have been a whirlwind. The feeling I get when I look into your eyes makes me lose all sense of control. When you touch me, I feel safe and okay to be myself. Before you, S, I didn’t know that a slight shoulder touch or handhold could send positive energy flowing through my entire body. I’ve never felt this power over me before, and I want to feel it every day for the rest of my life.

Every time you embrace me, it feels as if I’m lifted from the daily stresses of life. All I want to do is tell you the power you have over me, but I’m terrified. I’ve never truly met someone like you. You are complex yet kind. You have a troubled past with an abusive father and so much more, yet you are gentle and seek to help those around you.

The highlight of my day is seeing you at work, embracing you as I kiss your neck and you hug me deeply. It seems you don’t fully understand the impact you have on me—or maybe you do. My mind goes back and forth. Sometimes I believe you see me the way I see you, and other times I feel delusional, like you just want to be friends. But then people at work notice how you act around me and tell me it’s not in my head. I have no idea what to do except hold it gently, be patient, and see where God takes us.

One morning at M’s, when no one was around, I saw your shirt on the dining room chair and picked it up just to inhale your scent. I held it to my face for a solid five minutes, just to feel you close to me. Your scent is a home away from home.

I could recount all the reasons why you’re special to me, but deep down, I sense you already know—at least most of the time. I’ll never forget the day I was relaxing on the beach in East Hampton, and you walked up. Seeing you always brings a smile to my face.

Your eyes light up as you tell me about your house outside of Lisbon. You miss it. You want to be there. You show me pictures, and I want to be there too. I see the back patio and yearn to sit there for hours, getting lost in my writing. You say, “I know. I’ve thought about that.”

Are you a dreamer too? Have you envisioned a future with me? In that moment, it felt like you had. I tell myself to be patient, not to share too much of myself. Just be a friend—you’ll scare him away.

We were walking to SoulCycle when you and your boyfriend at the time were sending voice memos back and forth in Portuguese. I had no idea what you were saying, but you seemed frustrated. Then you opened up to me about him, sharing your annoyances. I can’t fully know the ins and outs of your relationship, but I wondered why you held onto someone you described that way when you bring so much to a relationship.

Months earlier, while in L.A., I remember being in the kitchen in Hidden Hills, complaining about my trouble dating. Shav interrupted, “Golden, you’re not an L.A. boy. Your man is waiting for you in New York.” Was she speaking in general, or did she have someone specific in mind?

The more you shared about your exes, the more I couldn’t wrap my head around how someone so kind, generous, and gentle could let those men into your life. I don’t know if you’re my future husband, but I hope you understand the kind of love you deserve. You deserve someone who can stand on his own two feet but also be by your side, holding you up too. You deserve respect, kindness, and so much love.

The moment I knew I wanted to raise my kids with you was at Five Leaves in Brooklyn. Sitting outside in the sun over day drinks and burgers, I got lost in your eyes. When we walked back to my car, you put your arm around me, and I felt a warmth that gave me hope.

I don’t know what to do with my feelings, but I want the very best for you. I want to be your person. I want to be by your side, to laugh with you, grow with you, and love you. S, you deserve the stars, the moon, and the sun.